You can't be doing too badly if the manager says your worst performance in two years is a 6-2 win in the top division.
But Dave's dressing-down after the match wasn't excessively hyperbolic. Anyone seeing that Teddington have won their first two Premier League games 6-2 may assume that their first top-flight campaign will be as much of a cakewalk as their unbeaten maiden season in Division Two. Looking a little closer reveals that the newcomers are in danger of setting themselves up for a fall.
Even at this early stage, the Premier Division looks to be settling into distinct bands, not dissimilar to last season. Last season's bottom two sides South Park (9pts) and Colne Valley (16) have started with back-to-back defeats. Last season's top three sides were AFC Wimbledon (42pts), Croydon (40) and Crystal Palace (37); this term, Wimbledon and Palace have won both games, rattling up 12 and 13 goals respectively while only conceding one goal between them. Even more impressively, Palace today beat Croydon 6-0.
Next week, Teddington go to Crystal Palace, and if they play as carelessly as they did at Colne Valley they could easily concede half a dozen or more.
It's not that the squad have become bad players overnight, nor is it that the step up has revealed a skills gap. In both training sessions and at Abbey Rangers last weekend, they have shown the kind of ability that led them to win every league game last season. However, there has also been a worrying inability to focus on their duties, to concentrate on doing the essential things that came so naturally last season – effortless, muscle-memory first-time ball control, or the continual awareness and communication that snuffs out danger. It has already contributed to conceding four goals this season; at Palace, a similarly absent-minded started could see them ship four in 10 minutes.
Not that Teddington started badly. As is often the case, a move in the first couple of minutes established the game-plan. On this occasion, stand-in goalkeeper Ella V laid it out to Phoebe Head on the right, and her searching ball found striker Ale Fairn; Ale's attempted layoff for Emily Coulson was a little strong but was collected by Phoebe, whose first-time cross-field ball found Sinead Morris for a shot fired just wide.
But as the instances of poor control mounted up – stopping Teddington creating quick counter-attacks or halting Colne's own creative endeavours – it took the visitors another 15 minutes to bother the reporter's notebook, when Emily forced a save from an accurate Sinead corner. And when Athletic took the lead a minute later, it was with a huge slice of fortune – literally: an unfortunate Colne defender's attempted clearance looped over her helpless goalkeeper to give Teddington a lead they may not have deserved.
As if to prove the point, Teddington set about self-sabotaging. Twice in the two minutes after taking the lead they gave away golden chances via a leaky offside trap, the first demanding a good save from Jelly, the second screwed wide. A minute later, they wouldn't be so lucky, as a typically dominant but clearly tiring Saskia Brewster – preoccupied by being in discussion with a coach – inadvertently played onside a Colne striker who lashed high into Jelly's net for the equaliser.
It's to Teddington's credit that they didn't fold in the last 10 minutes of the first half, but sought to re-establish dominance, with Emily becoming increasingly creative in advanced midfield: a cushioned ball across the edge of the box was fizzed narrowly over by Phoebe under considerable pressure.
Colne continued to threaten. First they ran on to long ball from their own half – an offside-avoiding ploy repeatedly used by AFC Wimbledon in last year's Cup win – and required a strong save from Jelly; then, from the resultant corner, hesitant defending gave the hosts several chances to take the lead.
For all the worries at the back, though, Teddington were starting to knit together in attack. Sinead beat both the Colne defence and somewhat enthusiastic linesman but was halted by the onrushing goalkeeper, then Phoebe fired wide.
And just after the half-hour, the visitors regained the lead through their centre-forward. Found by Phoebe's clever diagonal through-ball, Ale rolled the ball into the far corner of the fairly small goal-frame with all the calmness of a striker who's now scored 17 goals and knows there's more to come.
Unlike many strikers, Ale is a true team player in that she tirelessly works the channels and pulls defenders around, creating space for the wingers and midfield runners. Two minutes after scoring she was at it again when Sinead controlled a long clearance from Jelly, then squared it to Phoebe whose shot was well saved.
And a minute later, coming from the opposite flank, Teddington made it 3-1. When Phoebe rampaged down the right, Ale and Sinead made their runs into the box – but Pheebs picked out the late run of Emily, who controlled and finished calmly into the same corner.
The half-time score of 3-1 may have masked some deficiencies – shortcomings which were fully discussed at the interval – but it also allowed Dave to make some changes. Saskia went in goal with Jelly switching between deep midfield and defence, covered as required by the diligent Ella Parkinson-Mearns (who had come on late in the first half for the rambunctious Ruby Rudkin). Carla Novakovic, industrious in midfield before the break, moved up front in place of Ale, with Sophie Wallman adding energy in the middle, while Sadie Day showcased her increasing confidence wide on the right as a replacement for Phoebe.
For all the changes – and the substitutes all did well, adding experience to their game and depth to the squad – it was a survivor from the first half who effectively put the game beyond Colne. Within a minute of the restart Sinead danced down the left wing, drawing her defender and cutting inside at precisely the right time to take her out of the game. Finding herself through on goal but at a narrow angle, Sinead calmly finished with the outside of her right boot.
Two minutes later the same scorer turned 4-1 into 5-1 from a familiar weapon, hitherto unused this season: the Jelly long-throw. Bouncing through a startled defence, Jelly's Exocet found a delighted Sinead, who finished with all the aplomb she hadn't shown a minute earlier when fluffing a chance she might have expected to score.
The early double strike crushed Colne and from that point Teddington had the better of the game, with Jelly typically ebullient at the back, Parky switching position to cover for her and distributing with increasing confidence, Sophie niggling well in midfield, Sadie running at the defence and Carla doing a fair approximation of Ale's hard-running forward work.
However there was still much room for improvement at both ends, with visitors missing plenty of chances and allowing the hosts too many of their own. Given extra protection behind her, Emily started to run at the home side and frequently glided clear to shoot, but was disappointed in her own wastefulness, while unfocused defending from a throw-in allowed Colne to pull a goal back in the 47th minute.
Just as in the first half, though, Teddington hit back immediately. Straight from the kick-off Emily again weaved toward goal, her shot forced wide for a corner. Sadie's first flag-kick was taken too quickly, with a moving ball, but Jelly's second effort was chested in by Carla for 6-2.
That was the end of the scoring but not the end of the action. Saskia saved well to deny a Colne break but with the Teddington defence increasingly well-organised, the majority of play was up the other end. Carla somehow managed not to double her tally, Emily continued to torment the home defence and it was brought no respite for Colne when she was substituted for Phoebe.
The closing moments were blighted when Jelly reacted forcefully to niggling fouls, a danger Teddington will have to get wise to. In most other respects they started to learn from their mistakes, and the education will be necessary. Next week comes a trip to the Palace, and the girls will have to be on their best behaviour.
TEDDINGTON ATHLETIC (2-3-3) Ella V; Millie Theobald, Saskia Brewster; Ruby Rudkin, Carla Novakovic (1), Emily Coulson (1); Phoebe Head, Ale Fairn (1), Sinead Morris (2). Subs Ella Parkinson-Mearns, Sophie Wallman and Sadie Day, plus Amy Hallett (unused, foot injury). 1 own-goal.
Thanks again to David Theobald for the photography – there's more below the table.
